I am presenting to a packed hall of about 100 people at Avani Hotel
I am not anxious
Today’s frequent visits to the bathroom reminded me of how, for years now, I have to deal with a running stomach each time I am to lead the church in worship. I have been singing in our church praise team since I was a University student. Yes, that long. For the early years, I was mostly a backing vocalist. As time passed, I joined those who lead the church. That meant stepping out, from among fellow singers and stepping forward to lead. And I have never found it easy.
I have prayed and fasted and done all that is humanly possible, trying to deal with the anxiety that triggers these Sunday morning bathroom visits. Many years later, I still negotiate, with this call of nature. The only comfort though is that the visits are not as frequent as today’s. They are usually only about two to three and then I would face other levels of un-sureness.
I find standing in front of the church the most challenging engagement I ever have to do. I often spend time evaluating who I am and what I exist for. I challenge and question my role in this big institution, the church. I evaluate my preparedness and then rebuke myself for thinking that I could ever be ready.
It is a lot of pressure for a mortal if you ask me. But it happens. I stand there and lead, because after all the evaluations and the prayers, after all the solo and corporate practices; and after all the questions about how the worship would turn out, I have to hold that microphone and lead a packed church hall. I am never sure which state of mind to engage. I often feel like a pendulum, swinging between floating emotions, never really settling.
It is when the church is over that I return to myself and breathe again – and be grateful that the call didn’t happen in the middle of a song. They never do. In fact the calls often end before I leave for church (putting my Sunday delay in context here)
I am a bit weak now from today’s many visits to the Bakgatla house. Pray for me, pray for the many Sundays ahead. Maybe your prayers could bring to an end, Sunday morning visits, I have, for now, embraced as a part of me.